i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Randomize
