I puked a lego.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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