So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
