I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
