So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
