Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
