my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
