I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
