i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
