we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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