ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Randomize
