My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
