When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
