can we get nightvision for the apartment?
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
