Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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