Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
