Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
