I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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