Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Randomize
