I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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