$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
