I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
It's never too late to be topless.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
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