Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
