woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
