and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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