Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
