the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
