I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
