Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(201): View more from New Jersey

he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad

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(334): View more from Alabama

The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.

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(815): View more from Illinois

So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.

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(301): View more from Maryland

He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"

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(319): View more from Iowa

As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I think winning the long island race means you lose at life

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor

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(437): View more from

sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life

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