Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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