Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
