I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm getting married
To pizza
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Randomize
