When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
