He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
