I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
vagina is talking i cant
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
