Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
