He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
