o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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