I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
