Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
