Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
