I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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