Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
