I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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