he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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