my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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