Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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