Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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