these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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