I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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