Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
