I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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