and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
