WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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