My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
