There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
