my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
