guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
