Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
