i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
