what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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