You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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