Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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